Just when we didn’t think things could get worse for us after one miscarriage we were crushed with our second miscarriage. Being honest, it was even more difficult and even more heartbreaking than the first one. I have an even harder time sharing about the second one too. It left me raw in places that still have not completely healed. In the effort of always trying to share to help others through, here is the story of our second miscarriage.
When we found out we were pregnant for the second time we were extremely surprised. My brain instantly flashed to a second miscarriage. We had barely been trying again and I had zero symptoms until a missed period. We were excited but also very very cautiously optimistic. This time, I had regular doctor appointments right from the start. Due to COVID I had to go to most of these by myself. I can still remember how hard my heart beat before each and every ultrasound. The pregnancy was progressing along well though and each update was good. I had horrible nausea at night and felt so many pregnancy symptoms that I felt so extremely blessed by.
At week 10 things started to change. The baby was still small but they were starting to see something with the baby’s belly. When a baby forms the intestines and organs form outside of their body. Then around week 10 they go back into the body. The scans at 10 weeks showed that these were still outside of the body at that point. My doctor wasn’t terribly concerned because it could just be that we were looking too early. It was something they were going to keep an eye on.
At 11 weeks I went for my first “normal” pregnancy appointment. This was the first visit with my doctor and the first time we got to hear our little baby’s heartbeat on the doppler. It was amazing and, again, everything looked okay. With each week that went by we got a little more excited. We were finally almost to the end of the first trimester. After this appointment we started telling people that we were pregnant. We were worried about a second miscarriage but it seemed like we were inching away from it. Little did we know that one week later our world would come crashing down again.
At the 12 week scan I could tell something was wrong. The scan took much longer than any scan I had ever had before and the tech was extremely quiet. By this point my husband was allowed to come with me, thankfully. The tech left the room so I could get dressed and I immediately started bawling. I knew right away that something was wrong. He tried to stay positive but in my gut I just knew.
They took us back to see the doctor and discuss things. She was also sympathetic and knew that something was wrong. At this point the heartbeat was very low. There was also an omphalacele present. This means that the organs had not gone back into the body like they were supposed to. She was scheduling us to go in to meet with the specialists as soon as possible to see if there was anything that could be done. We left the office that day full of questions and doubt in our future.
Those Words Again
The next day I woke up and it was like my body just knew. I was starving in the mornings most times and that morning I woke up and didn’t feel hungry at all. I remember crying to my husband that I just knew that this was the end. We were going to lose a baby and we didn’t know why.
When we got to the specialists office she started scanning and we heard those words again. There is no heartbeat. For the second time, we collapsed. We met with a doctor there and he explained that there was nothing we could have done differently. He explained that this was, by no means, our fault at all. He was great because he also had a little bit of counseling that he did with us to try to make us feel better. The problem was, it didn’t make me feel better.
The Feelings Associated With Miscarriage
I was absolutely convinced that I was a horrible person and that is why this was happening to me.
I bounced between that and thinking God must hate me and this was my punishment from him. It was a very dark time in my life and I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you it didn’t go away. Over one year later I am writing this and I still have some of those same thoughts. I struggle every day with why this happened to us and why we don’t get to have kids. The struggle included going to events where all my friends bring their kids. I struggle to pray to a God who “let me down” when I needed my miracle.
Rationally, I know His plan is better than mine. Rationally, I know that He would never inflict this pain without there being some reason behind it. When I think rationally, I know that He is waiting patiently for me to come back and pray to him like I used to. Grief isn’t rational though. Grief makes you think horrible things. I share this knowing some of you may feel this way and some of you may not. If you do, just know you are not alone. I will make it through this and you will too. Each day is a little better than the last.
D&C for Miscarriage
We did opt to have the D&C for our second miscarriage. I was still measuring at 12 weeks so being further along and knowing the pain I went through the last time, we just felt like this was the best option. I won’t go through the gory details but it was traumatic for sure. We also had testing done on the baby to make sure there were no chromosome issues. This is rather important because it proved that genetically, there was nothing wrong with the baby. No chromosome issues at all. That is a good thing because it means that we shouldn’t have issues moving forward. That is a bad thing because it still didn’t give us any answers on why this happened to us.
Grief and Healing After Miscarriage
We will not know the answer to that “why” on this side of heaven. I’ve made good peace with that. There are things that I haven’t made peace with- not having kids (hopefully yet), wondering if we will ever have kids, wondering if my body can sustain pregnancy, having a big house with no kids to fill it, and, most importantly, God. You can judge me all you want but I have not made peace with God over this situation. Hear me out, THAT IS OKAY. It’s okay for us to struggle through our faith. I think it’s especially okay after having a second miscarriage. It’s okay to be angry with God and not understand Him. He loves us regardless. He is good regardless.
Grief isn’t linear. Healing isn’t linear either. Love God however you can. Some days for me that looks like being in nature and being in awe of His work. Other days it looks like going to church and crying in my seat. Some days it looks like the only thing I have to be thankful for is making it through the day (and even that is a stretch). I probably should seek counselling and I advise people going through this to do just that. I’ve always been someone that is very introspective. Always looking within myself to see what type of work I can do, what type of work I need to help myself heal.
One of the best things I heard was God doesn’t take people from this earth, He receives them in heaven. For some reason, this gave me some comfort. God didn’t take my baby to give me pain. He received my baby so that I can see him again.
Oh yeah, with the testing, we found out this was a boy. Our little Declan Jack. We love you forever, sweet baby. The day I get to heaven to hold you in my arms will be, by far, the best day. We are told not to live for this earth so I’m just here passing time until I get to spend my forever with you.
I pray for everyone going through this. It can rip you apart. It can rip your marriage apart. I’m here to talk. I’m here to listen. I ask that God blesses you with an abundance of children, more than your arms can hold.